Recently Bill Murray crashed a bachelor party and gave some
great advice to the groom to be – travel with someone and if your relationship
can survive the trip, marry them. I
couldn’t agree more. Travel can be very
stressful and you really get to know someone when you’re with them 24/7. As
most of you know my son and I recently had a 10 day vacation ourselves. As much as I’d like to say that I handled it
like a pro, at one point on our cruise I threatened to leave him in Jamaica
(yes, that’s the loving and compassionate parent I am). Thankfully I decided leaving him in Jamaica
was probably not a good idea and we both made it back safe and sound. When I arrived Monday to my office one of the
first emails I opened was one about compassionate parenting (oh no).
I often talk a lot about the importance of compassion. In EEGs they can actually see a shift in the
brain when someone is performing an act of compassion (the prefrontal region of
the brain – happiness area - lights up).
What I don’t always remember is that one way to be compassionate is to
accept someone as they are and not allow my own “perception” of how things “should”
be to get in the way of acceptance. It is not anyone else’s job to make me happy,
nor is it my responsibility to be in charge of their emotions. When we have
concern for others it actually increases our own sense of well-being. When I lost compassion for my son (hence the
threat of leaving him in a foreign country) it caused a loss of happiness for
myself.
With this lesson fresh on my mind, I think I might manage
our conflicts a little differently in the future. It’s not that it wasn’t OK that I got
terribly frustrated (you try traveling with a 13 year old that thinks deodorant
and showers are optional, rarely listens, and needs to eat every 2 hours) – it was
that I allowed my frustration to get in the way of viewing him with compassion
which robbed me of my own joy. Before you call child protective services, please know that I love my son my than life itself and would never actually do anything that would cause him harm. I will, however, consider springing for the larger room next time J.
The concept of acceptance as you explain it here, is confusing to me. Are you saying that you should have accepted your boy's lack of personal hygiene even though it showed a lack of consideration for you in such close quarters? Also, I'm wondering what kind of compassion you could have shown him in this regard... I get it, that threatening to leave him in Jamaica was less than compassionate...
ReplyDeleteYou’re exactly right – it wasn’t the situation that was the problem, it was the way I managed it. So the compassion part is that I didn’t take time to see the situation through his perspective. For example, he has good hygiene at home, he saw going without a shower as a treat, and he thought since he was in the water so much that he was clean. Viewing the same situation that way changes how I would react to it. An even bigger issue might be my expectations. Just because we’re on vacation, it’s still my job to parent. These kinds of issues are what we as parents are supposed to manage. Lastly, I shouldn’t let a brief conflict distract me from having fun and enjoying the day. He’s not responsible for me being angry – that’s my choice. Does that help? Great question!
ReplyDeleteYes, it helps. Thanks.
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