Apple Cider Versus Coffee

During this time of year, a lot of us (including myself) spend some time reflecting on the previous year and what our hopes and expectations are for the New Year.  Some people (unfortunately not me) clean out closets or file cabinets.  It’s a time of renewal and new beginnings.   Sometimes it’s more than old clothes or papers we need to part with but also old experiences.   

I recently had a funny incident with my niece and nephew.  I had taken them to the blue Santa parade (an Austin tradition) the Saturday after Thanksgiving.  I thought as a special treat I’d take hot cider and cookies to snack on during the parade.  While watching the bands and floats go by, I offered some cider to one of the kids.  He quickly said it “smells funny” and refused to drink it.  Well, this kiddo is a picky eater and is known to refuse to eat perfectly good food so I ignored his complaint and gave cider to his sister.  His sister quickly made the same complaint and refused to drink hers.  Now I was getting frustrated.  Being the good aunt that I am, I decided to prove them both wrong and drink it myself.  What do you know….it did smell funny.  Turns out, I used a thermos that I normally used to transport my coffee and what the kids smelled was old coffee residue.  It became clear that the thermos was of need of a deep cleaning.  

The whole situation reminded me that sometimes things that have happened in the past can influence our experience in the present.  Though the coffee had long been gone, its influence was still present.  Are there some situations that you experienced this year that need to be eliminated from your sphere of influence so they don’t carry over into next year?  Grudges that need forgiven.  Wrongs that need to be dismissed?  Pains that need to heal?   If so, purge them.  Decide that you are not going to allow them to effect your future.  Take whatever steps you need to take so that any negative experiences from this year do not have the power to take away your joy in the New Year. 

As for me, I have to apologize to two of my favorite people and hopefully make it up to them.  I have a feeling they’ll never want cider at my house but maybe I can make it up to them with Christmas cookies?

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make A Berry Pie

Ever have one of those days when the stars are misaligned and everything that could do wrong does? I had one of those this week, 24 hours of mishap.

It all started when I came home from work and noticed that my grass had gotten terribly over-grown and one of my kitchen lights had burned out. After I’d assembled everything needed to mow, I realized there was no gas in the mower. Later that evening, Dax (my foster dog) decided I was going to slow for him and bolted and spent half the night running amuck the neighborhood (me chasing behind him in my pajamas). After carrying the big dog home and having only a couple hours of sleep, I decided to make quiche for my son and me for breakfast. After thawing out the pie crusts and warming the oven I discovered I was short the number of eggs needed. Then the final straw, I went to get my morning coffee and all that comes out is a small amount of very dark brew. Evidently the coffee maker wasn’t working. That’s when I had the poisonous thought “It’s going to be one of those days”.

We have to be careful about what we label things. One of my favorite sayings is “Our mind seeks to confirm what it already believes to be true”. So, if I decide that a day is going to be filled with negative events, I’ll notice every negative thing that happens. Maybe it’s a traffic jam, a spilt cup, a slow checkout line at the grocery store. But I could have the exact same day with the expectation that it was going to be a great day and I’d notice all the nice things that happen. I might notice the beautiful weather or how much I enjoy my lunch. It’s the same day….the only difference is the expectation and intention.

So, as I sat there with my tiny bit of overly-strong coffee looking at knee high tall grass, I declared, “Oh good, now all the bad stuff is out of the way so I can have a great day”. Then I went and made berry pie with the pie crust meant for quiche in my dim kitchen. My son and I had a delicious berry pie for breakfast. And you know what? It was a good day. Our thoughts are powerful; let’s use them to make us feel better, not worse.

What’s The Difference Between A Feeling And An Emotion….Just A Story

One thing I struggle with is impulsivity.  I’m not always good about restraint and assessing all options before leaping.   It has brought me some great unexpected benefits and some painful moments.  This weekend my son and I received information regarding a dog that was at risk of euthanasia.  We’re both animal lovers and without any real planning we went and picked up this un-adoptable, very scared dog.  I’m not sure if this is one of those “great idea” moments or “what was I thinking” moments.  What I do know is this pup is terribly scared of people (not loud noises, other dogs, storms, etc.).   He’s doing better now but he spent the first 48 hours cowering in a corner scared to death.

I was reading an article the other day that discussed that the only difference between a feeling and an emotion was a story.  For example, if someone cuts us off on the highway, we’re angry (feeling) but later that day we’ve completely forgotten about it and it holds no real meaning.  A friend betrays our trust and causes us great pain and we may still be angry about it five years later (emotion).  It’s an interesting concept.  Makes me wonder what story my foster pup has.  He’s not just experiencing a feeling, he’s experiencing an emotion – somewhere on his journey he experienced a very scary story.

So, what do you do with a pup that is so afraid of human contact he cowers in a corner?  You give him a new story.  You show him every day how people can be a source of love and compassion.  You speak in soft, re-assuring tones.  You’re patient when he runs from you for no reason.  You don’t take his rejection personal because you understand, he’s got a story.  It’s our job as dog foster parents to help him replace his old scary story with one that will benefit him, not keep him paralyzed in fear.  We all have stories but if we have one that is taking away our options, affecting our future, and providing a negative emotion (fear, anger, etc.) we need to replace that story.  As for the pup, I’ll let you know how it goes but I’m hoping he’s able to create a story that allows him to bond with a loving, forever family.

Hunger Is The Best Sauce

With the fall season upon us, my son and I usually do some camping.  Recently I was having a discussion with a friend about how food always tastes better when you’re camping.  Even simple food that I routinely eat at home, like instant oatmeal.  Somehow it tastes different when eating it in the car on route to the office versus on a cool morning outside my tent.  My friend said “hunger is the best sauce”.  It was a phrase I hadn't heard but it fit perfectly.  You appreciate something the more you’re aware of how much you need it.  On my recent hiking trip in Peru, I had to go four days camping with no water.  When I got back to the hotel, I took a long, hot shower and appreciated every minute of it.  (Anyone within smelling distance of me probably appreciated it even more).  Usually a daily shower is just routine, something that I hardly notice.

I think life is that way, right?  It’s like the country song, “Live like you’re dying”.  If we take the time to really notice and appreciate what is around us, we have a new sense of gratitude.  There is a lot of research about how having a sense of appreciation or gratitude can make us happier.  I know for myself, I sometimes get so wrapped up to the to-do list of the day that I lose all sense of appreciation of what I have in that instant.  There are small opportunities every day to remind me to be grateful for the moment.  The feel of a breeze on a hot day, the taste of the perfect cup of coffee, the smile of a child, a hug from a friend.  I’m going to try to make a conscious effort to slow down enough to catch those opportunities for contentment.  I think I might also make dinner time later at my house – maybe if “hunger is the best sauce” my little guy will complain less about what I've prepared if he’s a wee bit more hungry J.  

Got Pain? Put A Band-Aid On It!

I hate the saying “no pain no gain”.  I think it insinuates that it’s somehow noble to suffer through pain, or even worse, that seeking relief from pain is somehow a sign of weakness.   I've had people tell me, “Why should people get counseling because of this or that, part of life is experiencing pain”.  I hear “death and grief are just reality”, “life is meant to be stressful”, “everyone feels sad”, etc.  I want to challenge all those thoughts.  Yes, trials will arise, but accepting the pain and suffering through them doesn't have to be part of it.

As most of you know, I recently returned from a challenging hiking experience.  As someone who is not into physical challenges, it required a lot of pre-planning and training.  One thing I learned is that foot care is extremely important.  One little pebble that feels like a small nuisance can turn into a huge painful blister.  During the hike at nearly every stopping point, I’d take off my shoes and inspect my feet to make sure there were no signs of redness or rubbing.  If there was any sign of a problem, it was immediately addressed with ointment or blister protection Band-Aids.  The thought being, I’m going for endurance.   Yes, I could continue to ignore that little tender spot except in the long run that tender spot will bring me unnecessary pain.  Could I push through a blister?  Sure, but why endure that pain if there are ways to comfort it.

Will life present hardships?  Sure, I agree that part of the human experience is unexpected turns in the road, situations we didn't expect, losses that are painful.  What I challenge is the idea that when those hardships occur, we somehow benefit from “pushing through the pain”.  I challenge that a better approach would be to prepare for them, get support when they do occur, and use whatever skills or resources are available to you to ease the pain.   If you need some extra support or skills to help, that’s where counseling might come in.  I always say counseling is a sign of strength, not weakness.  It’s an aware person, one who is monitoring their own health and can identify what they need, that seeks counseling. 

Life is about endurance.  We want to enjoy the journey, not suffer through it.  So the next time I hear someone says “counseling is just a Band-Aid” – I’m going to take it as a compliment.  Anything that relieves or prevents pain can’t be all that bad.  Have a great week!

I Bird Watch So I Don't Choke People

Facebook has all of kinds of faults but one of them lately is the “targeted advertising”.  I was actually tempted to buy a product being advertised on my newsfeed the other day.  It was a t-shirt that said “I bird watch so I don’t choke people”.  While I resisted due to the fact that I would really never choke anyone or encourage others to, as a birdwatcher I thought it was cute and emphasized the relaxing aspect of bird watching.

We face stress every day, me included.   Things like traffic, annoying coworkers, relationships, financial strains, etc.  While I don’t have a boss, some days I feel like I have multiple bosses – their names being United, Blue Cross Blue Shield, Aetna, etc.  Every insurance company questions my treatment plan, diagnosis, etc.   They’re just doing their job, but it’s frustrating just the same (especially when you sit on hold for twenty minutes or even worse, talk to the computer operator......which never seems to understand me…..maybe it’s my southern twang?).    So we have to have some ways to replenish.  I use the analogy all the time of a Styrofoam cup with all the stress representing holes in the cup and our emotional energy representing what is being lost.  So we have to refill our cup.

I’ve received some criticism due to some personal choices I’ve made to refill my cup.  I love to travel and have tried to pass on my fondness of travel to my son.  We’ve enjoyed visiting beautiful locations all over the world.  With that said, I don’t have the kind of budget most world travelers have.  I don’t have a large savings account, I drive an old car, and I don’t own any fancy clothes or furniture.  My other hobbies are not considered “cool” or “hip”.  I hike, read, bake, and of course…..bird watch.   I mention this only to say, refilling your cup is priceless.  Nurturing ourselves is what gives us the strength to nurture others, to be compassionate, and to be patient.   There is a Buddhist saying “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete”.  I think sometimes the fear of being selfish gets in the way of us doing the very things we need to do so we can serve others. 

So….what refills your cup?  Is there a hobby, a pleasurable activity you enjoy, or a little splurge that you can do for yourself?  When was the last time you did something to nurture yourself?  Are you feeling overwhelmed and drained?  If so, it might be time to do some good self-care before you feel like choking someone.  For me, I’ve got several trips planned and if you see someone at the park with binoculars…..it maybe me bird watching. 

Compassion Overboard

Recently Bill Murray crashed a bachelor party and gave some great advice to the groom to be – travel with someone and if your relationship can survive the trip, marry them.  I couldn’t agree more.  Travel can be very stressful and you really get to know someone when you’re with them 24/7.   As most of you know my son and I recently had a 10 day vacation ourselves.  As much as I’d like to say that I handled it like a pro, at one point on our cruise I threatened to leave him in Jamaica (yes, that’s the loving and compassionate parent I am).  Thankfully I decided leaving him in Jamaica was probably not a good idea and we both made it back safe and sound.  When I arrived Monday to my office one of the first emails I opened was one about compassionate parenting (oh no). 

I often talk a lot about the importance of compassion.  In EEGs they can actually see a shift in the brain when someone is performing an act of compassion (the prefrontal region of the brain – happiness area - lights up).  What I don’t always remember is that one way to be compassionate is to accept someone as they are and not allow my own “perception” of how things “should” be to get in the way of acceptance.    It is not anyone else’s job to make me happy, nor is it my responsibility to be in charge of their emotions. When we have concern for others it actually increases our own sense of well-being.    When I lost compassion for my son (hence the threat of leaving him in a foreign country) it caused a loss of happiness for myself.  

With this lesson fresh on my mind, I think I might manage our conflicts a little differently in the future.  It’s not that it wasn’t OK that I got terribly frustrated (you try traveling with a 13 year old that thinks deodorant and showers are optional, rarely listens, and needs to eat every 2 hours) – it was that I allowed my frustration to get in the way of viewing him with compassion which robbed me of my own joy.   Before you call child protective services, please know that I love my son my than life itself and would never actually do anything that would cause him harm.   I will, however, consider springing  for the larger room next time J.