Compassion Overboard

Recently Bill Murray crashed a bachelor party and gave some great advice to the groom to be – travel with someone and if your relationship can survive the trip, marry them.  I couldn’t agree more.  Travel can be very stressful and you really get to know someone when you’re with them 24/7.   As most of you know my son and I recently had a 10 day vacation ourselves.  As much as I’d like to say that I handled it like a pro, at one point on our cruise I threatened to leave him in Jamaica (yes, that’s the loving and compassionate parent I am).  Thankfully I decided leaving him in Jamaica was probably not a good idea and we both made it back safe and sound.  When I arrived Monday to my office one of the first emails I opened was one about compassionate parenting (oh no). 

I often talk a lot about the importance of compassion.  In EEGs they can actually see a shift in the brain when someone is performing an act of compassion (the prefrontal region of the brain – happiness area - lights up).  What I don’t always remember is that one way to be compassionate is to accept someone as they are and not allow my own “perception” of how things “should” be to get in the way of acceptance.    It is not anyone else’s job to make me happy, nor is it my responsibility to be in charge of their emotions. When we have concern for others it actually increases our own sense of well-being.    When I lost compassion for my son (hence the threat of leaving him in a foreign country) it caused a loss of happiness for myself.  

With this lesson fresh on my mind, I think I might manage our conflicts a little differently in the future.  It’s not that it wasn’t OK that I got terribly frustrated (you try traveling with a 13 year old that thinks deodorant and showers are optional, rarely listens, and needs to eat every 2 hours) – it was that I allowed my frustration to get in the way of viewing him with compassion which robbed me of my own joy.   Before you call child protective services, please know that I love my son my than life itself and would never actually do anything that would cause him harm.   I will, however, consider springing  for the larger room next time J. 

 

Pollyanna - It's Not Just A Movie - It's A Way Of Thinking

As a client was walking out of my office, she reported “you know some people think positive statements are just Pollyanna”.  I knew what she meant, which lead to a good discussion on productive positive statements vs unproductive ones (which I’ll talk more about later).   The discussion lead to me question what did we mean when we say someone or something is “Pollyanna”?

Turns out, Pollyanna was originally a character in a novel, then later a movie, about an orphan with the gift of an optimistic spirit.  She was able to cheer up even the grumpiest of townspeople.   In the story she has to overcome her own personal obstacles and she does so by finding a way to create a positive perspective in difficult situations.  Today I don’t think it’s used in that way, today we use it as a negative term.  In fact, in several on line dictionaries Pollyanna is defined as “unreasonably or illogically optimistic”.  I think this is what my client was referring to.  Unproductive positive statements go against reality and ignore what our circumstances are. 

As some of you may know, I recently had a really yucky summer cold.  It’s only the second time in three years I’ve closed my office due to being ill (the other time it was food poisoning).  It would have been silly for me to be thankful for being sick.  It’s not a good thing that I was sick.  It made me miss appointments, miss fun weekend plans, and took time away from my son.  It would have been totally unproductive for me to think “I’m glad I’m sick” or “Even though I’m running fever, I’m not sick”.  Instead, what I kept telling myself is “It’s inconvenient that I’m sick but whatever challenges it presents, I’ll find a way to meet them”.  In other words, I’ll re-schedule appointments, catch up on work when I can, and not worry about things out of my control (like being sick).  I don’t have to be thankful for being sick to frame my thoughts so it’s not so stressful.  This is productive positive thinking about a circumstance.

You know the saying “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade”.  It doesn’t say, “If life gives you lemons, you have to eat lemons” (and enjoy them).  In other words, accept the circumstances for what they are but work to make the best of them.  In my case, I caught up on several seasons of trash TV that has been sitting in my queue for months that I hadn’t had a chance to watch.  While I would have rather been feeling well, the reality was I was sick and there wasn’t anything I could do to change that.  Giving me productive positive statements about my ability to catch up on work and to overcome challenges made missing work and being ill less worrying.

Good news is that I’m now feeling better and resuming my normal routine.  Next time you face a challenging circumstance, I hope you you’ll remember to keep your thoughts positive AND productive.  I’ll have some difficulty using the term “Pollyanna” in a negative way now that I know the “real” Pollyanna was a great role model for positive thinking! 

How Many Therapist Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

Have you seen those articles that list the worse paying degrees?  Counseling is always on the list, usually at the top.  You’ve never seen a conversation stopper until you’ve seen someone in a group announce that they’re a therapist.   How about the philosophical game where you list a bunch of professions in a life raft and you have to decide with limited resources who can stay and who gets thrown over.  There is usually a hot debate about whether you’d want a doctor or a carpenter, both needed if you need to start life on a deserted island.  There is NO debate about the mental health professional.  We’re tossed over immediately without any debate at all.   There are so many shrink jokes that there are whole websites dedicated to them.  So with that in mind, why is this blog entry about me being thankful for my job?  Because I’d counter that I have the best job ever and I’m incredibly grateful for it.

Kids are brutally honest.  (Sometimes even painfully so.  If I get a new hairstyle, I can always depend on my kid clients to let me know their frank opinion about it).  So, when I tell a kid that my job is to listen to people and help them solve problems, they think it’s the coolest job ever.   I have to agree.  I get to see people overcome obstacles so they can reach goals they never thought were possible.  I get to see a struggling artist leave their day job to pursue the artistic career they’ve always wanted. I’ve held the hand of trauma victims as they’ve found the strength to move forward.  I’ve witnessed couples moving beyond their problems and recommitting to their relationship, parents repairing relationships with their teenager, and a child getting their first A because they’ve learned new tools to help them focus. 

While I enjoy being able to be a part of someone’s healing, I also feel it’s an honor to see them through some of their most difficult moments.  I have the privilege of being the one to lend an ear to the employee that just lost their job, to the new mom that’s at her wits end, to the spouse that just buried their loved one, to the gay son who just came out to his family, to the teenager that just found out they’re pregnant or to the parent that just found out their child is using drugs.  While these moments are painful for both me and the client, I feel it’s a huge compliment that they feel comfortable enough to have me accompany them on their journey. 

So in closing, I want to thank everyone who has been a part of my journey that has led to where I am today.  I’m incredibly thankful.  And to my clients who have shared their best and worse times with me, thank you for trusting me.   Wherever your journey takes you, I hope that you are in better place having dedicated your time and resources to improving your mental health.  I can't think of a better job.  I can’t close without at least one therapist joke.  So…how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?  Just one, but it takes nine sessions.  J  Have a great day!

 

 

Enlightenment On A Spring

My niece and nephew got me a great gift for my birthday.  It was a stick-on statue of a smiling Buddha, kind of like a bobblehead, for my car.  The box was labeled “Enlightenment on a Spring”.  They know I drive a lot for my commute and they knew it would make me smile.  Now every time I look down to shift gears, etc. I see a smiling fat Buddha bobblehead looking up at me.  It’s hard to be angry, even in the horrible Austin traffic.

It’s amazing how much one thing can change your perspective.  Opra Winfrey a while back promoted vision boards.  A display of photos or pictures that represented what you wanted to incorporate into your life (fun, money, family time, peace, etc.).  The idea being the more you looked at it, the more likely we would feel invested to make it come true.  Or, remember the little starfish is the movie Nemo.  Anytime something stressful happened, she'd say she was "going to her happy place" meaning she was visualizing something better.  The same concept as my Buddha toy, what we see effects how we feel and act.  

With this in mind, do you have a vision of what you’d like more of in your life?  Maybe a positive change you'd like to make in your future?  Do you want to jump start your career?  Do you want to make peace with your family?  Do you want more organization in your life?    Is there a picture or scene that would help remind you of that?  Remember, what we see effects how we feel and the choices we make.   If nothing else, if you travel in heavy traffic, I highly recommend a fun bobblehead.

The Krispy Kreme Theory of Motivation

When I went I moved into my new office a few years ago, one of the benefits of its location was that there were three donut shops all within a short distance of it.  My favorite by far is Krispy Kreme- did I mention I’ve got a terrible sweet tooth?

When I talk to clients about making positive change, one thing that often comes up is motivation.  Change is always stressful and habits (even bad ones) usually have some pay off.  So let’s say you want to reduce your social drinking.  While there will be benefits, there will also be costs (less time with friends at happy hour, etc.).  You want to be more organized in the morning?  Great, but you’ll have to give up some free time to organize closets, etc. 

So when someone tells me, “I really want ________ but as hard as I’ve tried I can’t accomplish it” the first thing I question is the cost/benefit ratio.  I call this the Krispy Kreme theory based on my own experience of trying to reduce the amount of sweets I eat.

 Currently I’m in the midst of trying to improve my health to get ready for a hiking trip.  One of my strategies was to give up my lovely Krispy Kreme doughnuts, which on most days I can do just fine (the benefit of improving my health outweighs the yummy short term benefit of the taste).  But every now and then I’ll be having a rough day and just can’t resist.   For me, the need the donut meets on a stressful day outweighs my desire to improve my health.  Hence, the Krispy Kreme theory of motivation is that we only can make positive change when the benefit outweighs the costs.

So if you are trying to make positive change and it seems like it’s impossible to make progress, ask yourself “What need is this habit meeting?”  “Is there some benefit to not making change?”  “Is there a cost to making change that is just too painful?”   Once you have a good assessment of all the cost and benefits you can start overcoming obstacles and find ways to have meet need while supporting your goal.  

For me, when I need a break from a bad day, I don’t just say too bad – suck it up.  Instead, I’ve found a few ways to give myself a treat that doesn’t go against my long term goal of improving health.  I might watch an episode of my favorite TV show on Netflix, have lunch with a friend, or buy some new fun nail polish.  I get the need met by treating myself but doing it in a different way.

Good luck with your goals and if you need some inspiration, I highly recommend the pumpkin spice cake donut from Krispy Kreme J.

Fish, House Guests, and Destructive Emotions....After 3 Days They Need To Go!

I have a good friend that has a saying, "House guests are like fish, after 3 days they need to be thrown out".  Now I have to add that I'm very lucky that I have great relatives and house guests.  I'm actually usually sad to see them go.  But, I do think it could be a good rule for destructive emotions. 

In Eastern philosophies we are challenged to not ever have negative emotions (anger, resentment, jealousy, etc.) but for most of us we're not quite ready for that level of enlightenment :-) But I do think it is very attainable to set limits for ourselves for how long we'll allow those negative emotions to interfere with our lives.  Let me give you an extreme example that just happened for me. 

You guys may not know but I recently lost my best friend.  My dachshund dog who had been by my side for almost 10 years passed away Sunday a week ago.  When this happened I was overwhelmed with grief.  I am lucky that I have a schedule that I can adjust and was able to take some time off to really grieve.  During this time it wasn't pretty and I had a lot of VERY strong emotions.  I cried, I got mad, I blamed myself, I blamed others and I cried some more.  But after a couple of days I forced myself to start living again.  I went to work, I made dinner, I returned phone calls and emails.  While I was still sad for sure, but I used tools so that it wasn't overwhelming and interfering. 

I know some people can't relate to the loss of a pet but maybe you can relate it to any situation that brought up a strong negative emotion.  Maybe a betrayal by a friend, an injustice at work, or overwhelmed with a situation.  Whether the emotion is sadness, anger, betrayal, or something else, the idea is that don't let it hangover you for too long.  Dont' let that negative emotion take root.  Acknowledge it without avoiding it but also making a conscious effort to move forward.  Grant it some losses or circumstance may take longer (and small things like traffic shouldn't take you three days) but the concept is the same.  You don't want to be still feeling that same negative emotion over an incident 2 weeks later, a month later, a year later.

So next time you feel yourself "stuck" with a negative feeling, ask yourself "Have I given myself time to deal with this situation?" and if so, make a plan to move forward.  Today is international day of happiness.  Though I continue to grieve through my loss, I am able to identify a multitude of things that bring me joy (including the opportunity to know and work with so many cool people).    Have a great week!

Don't Run Out Of Toilet Paper

I like the idea that there is no problem without a solution.  Might not be a easy solution, might not be one we're excited about, but a solution none the less. 

I recently bought a small charcoal BBQ pit.  I was absolutely terrible at using it.  I couldn't quite get the timing right.  Coals were either not hot enough or too hot.  I either put things on too soon or not quick enough.  After several raw or over-cooked meals I decided grilling just wasn't for me and put the grill away. 

When discussing different ways to problem solve with a client, I challenged that if someone ran out of toilet paper they didn't just say "Oh well...guess we'll never have toilet paper again.  No.  They would go out to the store and buy more toilet paper".  Then I realized I hadn't really made an effort to problem solve the grilling challenge.  With the help of my 13 year old son, I researched on You Tube how to grill with charcoal.  I'm proud to say we had our first edible grilled meal last night.

If you have a problem that is hanging over your head.  Whether it's a little thing that is like a pebble in your shoe, small but bothersome, or a big life challenge, I encourage you to brainstorm some solutions.  Spend as much time seeking answers as you do worrying.  Remember, you wouldn't just allow yourself to run out of toilet paper!